Matilda is dying. She was suddenly struck with some sort of neurological disorder, probably a brain tumor. Monday afternoon I noticed she seemed to be having a little trouble getting around her cage, stumbling and slipping her front feet between the bars. By tuesday afternoon it had progressed to her being unable to hold any food with her front feet, so me and my mother bought some baby food and proceeded to spoon feed her.

Wednesday night she could hardly keep her head upright, but her appetite for babyfood was pretty good and we continued regular feedings.

Tonight, she's just a limp wisp in my hand... and very uninterested in anything foodish, and more wanting to eat tissues and the towel I had her sitting on. Her limbs are pretty much useless now, and when I pick her up she barely moves. Yet she still tries to nuzzle into my neck...

She's also developed a small lump near her rectum, I fear a cyst... which seems to be impeding her bowel movements, and she seems to be running a fever.

Sophie is doing the same thing Artemis did when Spunky got sick. She's moping, and sticking extra close to Matilda (keeping her warm I hope...) but she's also been exceedingly rough with her thorough cleanings of 'Tilda's face when she comes back from a feeding. I caught her biting her lip last night...

I never thought I would hope such a thing, but I just wish she would pass in her sleep, and I hope she goes tonight. I couldn't hardly even stand to handle her tonight, or to watch her struggle to eat watered-down baby food only to become uninterested after a few licks... it hurts me so much. She's as limp as a ragdoll, and yet she tries so hard, and she won't give up.

I started training for my new position at work this week, but I can't get out early or I'll miss the important stuff (i.e. I ask to leave early and they say no...) and I don't want to lose my spot. I need to talk to the vet before I can just send someone to take her because most offices don't use gas before the needle injection, because their bodies are so tiny they need to inject the euthenizing agent directly into their hearts and this can be a terribly painful way to die... so they must be sedated first. I have to find out first, because I can't let them just take her in the back and do it wrong...

I can't stand it, I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. I can't sleep, I'm so terrified and worried for her. Part of me wants to get up and go to her cage and find her gone, and part of me wants her to still be there, and ALL of me wishes that this had never happened, or that I had noticed all the symptoms earlier so I could have done something to prevent it... anything but this.

So all my good news about how happy I am that I got the new position at work, and how fun it's supposed to be just turned to shit.

And they're only 2 months shy of their second birthday. She's still so young... I hate it. If they weren't such amazing animals... you would have thought I'd learned my lesson the first time around. And each time, it's getting worse.

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I don't even know what else to say.

Edit: She was humanely euthenized at 9am on friday, april 18th. I miss my little angel already, but she is in such a better place now...